December 1, 2007: The Global Chastity Shortage
Some people are saving themselves for marriage. Other people are saving themselves for unicorns.
As we're sure you're aware, unicorns kinda have a thing for "pure" types. Sure, they like to say it's some sort of "Oh, I'm such an important and wondrous mythical being that only those of virtue may stand before me" thing, but it's really just equestrian elitism. Unicorns have high standards, and for the bulk of us unwashed masses, this means we'll never get to see one.
This wouldn't be much of a problem if it weren't for the fact that unicorn horns (unihorns?) are in high demand. High demand for horns means high demand for unicorns. This, in turn, means a high demand for unicorn bait. As you can imagine, such people are in short supply.
To help unicorn hunters expedite the bait selection process, we present the Unicorn Bait shirt . This shirt, available both as a standard T-shirt and "baby doll" style shirt, will make it readily apparent to people that you are throughly unsuitable for sitting around in the woods, singing with birds and chipmunks until a unicorn shows up. No, despite your innocent appearance, your . . . past "activities" have precluded your . . . "purity." But you can save yourself an awkward conversation with unicorn seekers by wearing this shirt!Bonus: this shirt will also protect you from crazed islanders and would-be cultists, as it shows you are totally unsuitable as a sacrifice.
-- Fox Barrett
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